SETTING: Monday Night Football, October 26, 2009
LOCATION: FedEx Field, Washington D.C.
OCCASION: Philadelphia Eagles 27, Washington Redskins 17
PRINCIPAL FEATURE: The ultimate in degradation of a head coach
Jim Zorn may not be the greatest front-line combat play caller the game has known, as indicated by the Redskins’ lack of success so far this season. Nevertheless, he is still the team’s head coach, and rather than unceremoniously fire the man, the club owners have chosen instead to demote him to a position which more resembles that of chief clerk and bottle washer.
Throughout this past Monday evening, some clown upstairs carried out his newly-assigned duties of deciding upon every Redskin offensive action to be undertaken, via phone contact with the bench and thence the quarterback. Meanwhile, this writer had the displeasure of watching the camera’s continual focusing on Coach Zorn, who forever seemed to be studying his play sheet in an after-the-fact effort to figure out what his legions had just finished running off.
If we understand the gridiron game correctly, the head coach’s responsibility is to defeat his opponents as often as possible. He represents football’s counterpart to Wellington at Waterloo, Eisenhower in the ETO, and MacArthur in the Philippines. Failure to carry out this sacred mission can result in nothing other than dismissal.
Apparently the muddleheaded Washington club ownership views it differently. Don’t order the fellow to clean out his desk and be off the premises by sundown. Oh no, it’s far more meaningful to simply strip him of his most fundamental on-the-field role, i.e. actively directing the team’s every move from opening kickoff to final whistle, week after week and season after season.
Can the reader imagine what the effect would have been if some franchise’s top dogs had ever tried to pull this sort of “go stand in the corner, Bad Boy” business on Paul Brown, Vince Lombardi, or Jimmy Johnson?
On one hand, we must applaud Zorn for maintaining his composure under the unfriendly camera and daily condemnation by the press. However, we’d have much preferred to see him exit from the stage while thumbing his nose at the front office bigwigs. When a man is no longer allowed to play his role to the hilt, he should refuse ignominious position reduction to sidelines observer.
Perhaps, however, the conclusions we’ve expounded upon to this point aren’t really warranted. Isn’t it equally possible that the Redskins’ management has started the ball rolling in the direction of a brand new era for professional football? Supposing we have a look at what new grid action vistas may lie ahead for us.
As in any other corporate endeavor, the end goal is optimum profitability. And who bears the main responsibility for such achievement? The top level management corps, right?
Wouldn’t it make more sense in the relatively near future for the task of winning football games to become vested with those chaps occupying mahogany desks, rather than the harried field coach and his staff?
We might suggest making offensive play selection and defensive deployment throughout any game a Board of Directors’ duty. After all, such conglomeration of executive tycoons, bankers, insurance advisers, lawyers, and other competent persons are the ones who must answer to the stockholders. What should prevent said groups from taking the bull by the horns and directing bench activity?
Our first recommendation, therefore, would be to revise the NFL’s scheduling system so that games may be played only when Boards of Directors were holding their meetings – say the third Thursday of each month. The one hour of action time regulation would have to be expanded, of course, to where perhaps a full day might be required, considering the lengthy executive deliberation required.
Furthermore, immediately after an opening kickoff, the team in possession’s board membership, viewing the game on closed circuit TV, would move, second, and vote upon each ensuing offensive play from scrimmage. The results could be promptly emailed to the appropriate party in the stands, for retransmission to the quarterback by radio.
Contrarily, the defending board in another city would take appropriate play-by-play deployment action to dictate such strategic steps as number of pass rushers, linebacker movement, and specific downfield receiver coverage.
In due course, it might well become advisable for each club to have separate boards of directors, one to handle offense and the other defense.
Board responsibilities would obviously include determining when any questionable field official decision calls for a challenge, subject to majority vote, with a yea answer sent by email, instructing the emasculated head coach to throw the red flag.
It would make further sense for board action to be required in determining when time out should be called, and even personnel assignment. For example, the email message from the conference room might say “Pull Schmaltz out at left guard and put in Gittleheimer”.
Taken altogether then, perhaps we all owe a debt of gratitude to the Washington Redskin ownership for having introduced a brand new and most exciting element to our blessed gridiron game. An apology just may be in order for our undue and rash opening criticism.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
INTOLERANCE -- EARLY 20TH CENTURY STYLE
A previous entry in this blog presented our studied selection of the best baseball players by position and within defined era throughout the game’s history. It represents the culmination of having analyzed every individual career hitting and pitching record from the 1870s up through the most current season. Needless to say, the effort has been extremely time-consuming.
While covering the game’s earlier activity years, i.e. from the beginning until circa 1915, we couldn’t help but note the predominance of names like Donovan, Murphy, Callahan, Collins, O’Rourke, O’Shaughnessy and literally countless others indicating Irish ancestry.
With the Smiths, Joneses, Browns, and the like so overshadowed by Emerald Islers, our curiosity became somewhat aroused. What on earth had drawn all those Pats and Mikes to the ballyards?
Having a business colleague on hand a few years back whose surname was as Irish as Paddy’s whistle, we asked him about the whys and wherefores of so many Hibernian tags appearing by score upon score throughout said era. His prompt and straightforward answer came while pointing toward his mouth with one finger, as he said “They had to eat”.
Following a bit of further explanation, we were rather astounded in learning that much strong anti-Irish sentiment prevailed in those days throughout the country. Our super-sophisticated Anglo-Saxon and Germanic origin barons simply refused to hire them for regular trade jobs. As a consequence, many such inferiorized lads possessing reasonable diamond skills thronged to the ball parks in order to earn a decent living.
We’re inclined to suspect that the problem was really rooted in anti-Catholicism. We can’t really corroborate this, however, since very few Italian or other central European names showed up during the period in question. Perhaps the snobbery advocates of the era just didn’t care to associate with people whose ancestors had been failed potato farmers.
It seems worth noting that the fate of the Irish during the century’s aught and teen years bears comparability with so many young blacks being forced to seek boxing careers in the 1920s and 1930s, due to sheer prejudice.
By way of closing comment, any perusal of today’s major league baseball rosters will show so many Martinez’, Rodriquez’, Gonzalez’, Fernandez’, Hernandez’, Sanchez’, Lopez’, Cabreras, et al that we have difficulty distinguishing one from the other. We can proudly say that they didn’t become diamond aces due to ethnic intolerance, but simply well above average playing skills. That fact, in itself, seems to indicate progress.
While covering the game’s earlier activity years, i.e. from the beginning until circa 1915, we couldn’t help but note the predominance of names like Donovan, Murphy, Callahan, Collins, O’Rourke, O’Shaughnessy and literally countless others indicating Irish ancestry.
With the Smiths, Joneses, Browns, and the like so overshadowed by Emerald Islers, our curiosity became somewhat aroused. What on earth had drawn all those Pats and Mikes to the ballyards?
Having a business colleague on hand a few years back whose surname was as Irish as Paddy’s whistle, we asked him about the whys and wherefores of so many Hibernian tags appearing by score upon score throughout said era. His prompt and straightforward answer came while pointing toward his mouth with one finger, as he said “They had to eat”.
Following a bit of further explanation, we were rather astounded in learning that much strong anti-Irish sentiment prevailed in those days throughout the country. Our super-sophisticated Anglo-Saxon and Germanic origin barons simply refused to hire them for regular trade jobs. As a consequence, many such inferiorized lads possessing reasonable diamond skills thronged to the ball parks in order to earn a decent living.
We’re inclined to suspect that the problem was really rooted in anti-Catholicism. We can’t really corroborate this, however, since very few Italian or other central European names showed up during the period in question. Perhaps the snobbery advocates of the era just didn’t care to associate with people whose ancestors had been failed potato farmers.
It seems worth noting that the fate of the Irish during the century’s aught and teen years bears comparability with so many young blacks being forced to seek boxing careers in the 1920s and 1930s, due to sheer prejudice.
By way of closing comment, any perusal of today’s major league baseball rosters will show so many Martinez’, Rodriquez’, Gonzalez’, Fernandez’, Hernandez’, Sanchez’, Lopez’, Cabreras, et al that we have difficulty distinguishing one from the other. We can proudly say that they didn’t become diamond aces due to ethnic intolerance, but simply well above average playing skills. That fact, in itself, seems to indicate progress.
Friday, October 16, 2009
THINGS WE CAN DO WITHOUT WHEN WATCHING SPORTS EVENTS
We’ve always abhorred being in a football grandstand overburdened with drunks, purportedly as a result of their bringing bottles along for self-protection against inclement weather. Our student days at Ohio State provided the basis for such feeling, since no autumn Saturday afternoon could ever be judged complete without being surrounded by dozens of obnoxious inebriates.
Several years following graduation, the opportunity arose to travel to South Bend, Indiana for a Notre Dame gridiron game. All the while seated in a completely packed stadium, and later moving out with the crowd after the final whistle, we encountered exactly one, repeat one, disgusting chap who’d had a few too many. We couldn’t help but note the contrast with our earlier Columbus, Ohio experience, where the upper deck air would become so alcohol-saturated that even lighting a match could be somewhat dangerous.
What we’ve introduced up to this point is an innate dislike for ungentlemanly spectator behavior. We see no need to add the expression unladylike as well, since the male of the species accounts for our entire displeasure.
With nearly all our present-day major sport-watching activities restricted to televised broadcasts, we’ll now focus on the numerous personal annoyances brought about as the cameramen continually seek new vistas, to avoid audience boredom between plays or foul balls. The more despicable aspects we’re forced to witness are itemized below.
Grandstand Tarzans
Regardless of how hot it gets on summer afternoons in the bleacher area, we deplore seeing men with their shirts removed. Since most such offenders aren’t exactly built like Apollo, this makes the view even worse.
Halloween Costuming
Maybe we’re a bit old-fashioned, but fully hate having the camera shift around to locate those nauseating exhibitionist types wearing outlandish costumes, often further aggravated by painting their faces to resemble creatures in horror films. We’d much prefer viewing the scantily-clad pom-pom girls down on the playing field, or else the more attractive fair sex spectators.
On the other hand, we have no objection to fans’ holding up catchy slogan signs or Green Bay rooters with their cheesehead bonnets. We’re not that prudish.
Lesser Offenses
We consider it utterly childish for grown men to come to the stadia clad in the uniforms of their local teams. On a similar premise, would the person don a toga when attending a stage performance of Julius Caesar, or go to see Carmen in a toreador outfit?
This sort of garb ought to be restricted to kids.
Furthermore, bringing a fielder’s glove to the game as a potential aid in catching foul or home run balls should be a prerogative reserved for the younger set only. An adult looks absolutely nonsensical doing this. This fellow wisely discontinued the practice at around age twelve, after many unsuccessful afternoons at Cleveland’s old Lakefront Stadium.
Salivary Gland Activity
Long ago, some baseball players would appear on the field with lumpily-distorted faces, due to a chaw of tobacco being stored in one cheek. The purpose was to reduce mouth dryness. Our modern lads have happily switched to bubble gum or Gatorade. Still, these relieving features never seem to prevent performers from frequent spitting. How the cameras always manage to turn on to a fellow only two seconds before he expectorates has become a mystery indeed. We realize, though, that this condition will have to be lived with. After all, these boys are the stars of the show.
At least, we can be happy it’s only saliva, and not yesteryear’s ugly brown tobacco juice.
Several years following graduation, the opportunity arose to travel to South Bend, Indiana for a Notre Dame gridiron game. All the while seated in a completely packed stadium, and later moving out with the crowd after the final whistle, we encountered exactly one, repeat one, disgusting chap who’d had a few too many. We couldn’t help but note the contrast with our earlier Columbus, Ohio experience, where the upper deck air would become so alcohol-saturated that even lighting a match could be somewhat dangerous.
What we’ve introduced up to this point is an innate dislike for ungentlemanly spectator behavior. We see no need to add the expression unladylike as well, since the male of the species accounts for our entire displeasure.
With nearly all our present-day major sport-watching activities restricted to televised broadcasts, we’ll now focus on the numerous personal annoyances brought about as the cameramen continually seek new vistas, to avoid audience boredom between plays or foul balls. The more despicable aspects we’re forced to witness are itemized below.
Grandstand Tarzans
Regardless of how hot it gets on summer afternoons in the bleacher area, we deplore seeing men with their shirts removed. Since most such offenders aren’t exactly built like Apollo, this makes the view even worse.
Halloween Costuming
Maybe we’re a bit old-fashioned, but fully hate having the camera shift around to locate those nauseating exhibitionist types wearing outlandish costumes, often further aggravated by painting their faces to resemble creatures in horror films. We’d much prefer viewing the scantily-clad pom-pom girls down on the playing field, or else the more attractive fair sex spectators.
On the other hand, we have no objection to fans’ holding up catchy slogan signs or Green Bay rooters with their cheesehead bonnets. We’re not that prudish.
Lesser Offenses
We consider it utterly childish for grown men to come to the stadia clad in the uniforms of their local teams. On a similar premise, would the person don a toga when attending a stage performance of Julius Caesar, or go to see Carmen in a toreador outfit?
This sort of garb ought to be restricted to kids.
Furthermore, bringing a fielder’s glove to the game as a potential aid in catching foul or home run balls should be a prerogative reserved for the younger set only. An adult looks absolutely nonsensical doing this. This fellow wisely discontinued the practice at around age twelve, after many unsuccessful afternoons at Cleveland’s old Lakefront Stadium.
Salivary Gland Activity
Long ago, some baseball players would appear on the field with lumpily-distorted faces, due to a chaw of tobacco being stored in one cheek. The purpose was to reduce mouth dryness. Our modern lads have happily switched to bubble gum or Gatorade. Still, these relieving features never seem to prevent performers from frequent spitting. How the cameras always manage to turn on to a fellow only two seconds before he expectorates has become a mystery indeed. We realize, though, that this condition will have to be lived with. After all, these boys are the stars of the show.
At least, we can be happy it’s only saliva, and not yesteryear’s ugly brown tobacco juice.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
PRO FOOTBALL TAKES A FURTHER DOWNHILL STEP
Throughout the bygone 1946-1949 college football seasons, Notre Dame’s gallant crews achieved a seldom-matched period of invincibility. So devastating was their offensive and defensive prowess that Coach Frank Leahy sometimes felt obligated to put his third- or fourth-string unit on the field in the last quarter, just to keep the score from becoming too lopsided.
This particular humane action led a contemporary sports writer named Kyle Crichton to compose a humorous article, predicting what might happen in that particular era’s future, should the Fighting Irish lads’ indomitable thrust go unabated.
Mr. Crichton’s feeling was that handicaps would be imposed on the Notre Damers, beginning with their entire backfield crew having their legs encased in burlap bags, as though they were Sunday picnic sack race participants.
The article went on to describe how this supposed restriction would likely still fail to stop the murderous Irish onslaught, with the sack aspect being replaced by tying the left halfback’s right leg to the right halfback’s left, requiring the pair to carry the ball in three-legged race fashion.
According to Crichton’s prognostications, the constant touchdown barrage still couldn’t be held in check. The last-ditch effort would also require every Notre Dame downfield pass receiver to run his patterns while carrying an egg in a spoon, whereby allowing it to drop to the ground would cause an automatic incompletion. Again, the article’s content found the powerful South Benders not to be the least bit impeded.
The closing paragraphs described how such increasingly severe encumbrances would eventually lead to the gridiron game’s complete demise, as it gradually became reduced to a living room-staged contest, with footballs as furniture props.
Despite that article’s gross exaggeration, we can’t help but notice a somewhat similar trend in our more modern age.
The present-day game carried out on NFL fields across the land, and the extent to which rules keep being amended from year to year, evidence a demand for ever greater protection of quarterback sanctity. In fact, we find the latest doctrines extremely disquieting.
Football is a rugged game calling for rough and ready players at every position. Somehow though, the feeling seems to have developed that our signal-calling, scrambling, precision-passing quarterback gentry have been moulded in highly fragile Chinese porcelain, not the customary flesh and bone.
One of our earlier articles appearing on this blog tossed out a few disturbed comments regarding this same issue, wondering if the day might come when two hands below the waist would be sufficient to “tackle” a ball carrier, along with similar steps on the route to ultimate sissification.
Under this season’s updated rules, we can’t help but anticipate future year defensive pass rushers needing only to get close to the quarterback and shout “Boo!”, or perhaps simply look cross-eyed at him, with the result being construed as a sack.
We sincerely hope the NFL bigwigs will again come to realize that football is a man’s game, not a contest which imposes overly severe limitations, just to prevent quarterbacks from getting their elbows bruised.
This particular humane action led a contemporary sports writer named Kyle Crichton to compose a humorous article, predicting what might happen in that particular era’s future, should the Fighting Irish lads’ indomitable thrust go unabated.
Mr. Crichton’s feeling was that handicaps would be imposed on the Notre Damers, beginning with their entire backfield crew having their legs encased in burlap bags, as though they were Sunday picnic sack race participants.
The article went on to describe how this supposed restriction would likely still fail to stop the murderous Irish onslaught, with the sack aspect being replaced by tying the left halfback’s right leg to the right halfback’s left, requiring the pair to carry the ball in three-legged race fashion.
According to Crichton’s prognostications, the constant touchdown barrage still couldn’t be held in check. The last-ditch effort would also require every Notre Dame downfield pass receiver to run his patterns while carrying an egg in a spoon, whereby allowing it to drop to the ground would cause an automatic incompletion. Again, the article’s content found the powerful South Benders not to be the least bit impeded.
The closing paragraphs described how such increasingly severe encumbrances would eventually lead to the gridiron game’s complete demise, as it gradually became reduced to a living room-staged contest, with footballs as furniture props.
Despite that article’s gross exaggeration, we can’t help but notice a somewhat similar trend in our more modern age.
The present-day game carried out on NFL fields across the land, and the extent to which rules keep being amended from year to year, evidence a demand for ever greater protection of quarterback sanctity. In fact, we find the latest doctrines extremely disquieting.
Football is a rugged game calling for rough and ready players at every position. Somehow though, the feeling seems to have developed that our signal-calling, scrambling, precision-passing quarterback gentry have been moulded in highly fragile Chinese porcelain, not the customary flesh and bone.
One of our earlier articles appearing on this blog tossed out a few disturbed comments regarding this same issue, wondering if the day might come when two hands below the waist would be sufficient to “tackle” a ball carrier, along with similar steps on the route to ultimate sissification.
Under this season’s updated rules, we can’t help but anticipate future year defensive pass rushers needing only to get close to the quarterback and shout “Boo!”, or perhaps simply look cross-eyed at him, with the result being construed as a sack.
We sincerely hope the NFL bigwigs will again come to realize that football is a man’s game, not a contest which imposes overly severe limitations, just to prevent quarterbacks from getting their elbows bruised.
Monday, October 5, 2009
WHO CARES IF THE CROWD DOESN'T ROAR?
Back during the mid-1930s, a former U.S. Naval Academy super halfback named Tom Hamilton devised a parlor football game, using a special deck of gain and loss value cards, along with means for taking relative imaginary player skills into consideration. According to the writer’s recollection, no other such product of that era could match it.
Commander Hamilton’s creation appeared under the tree one long bygone Christmas morning, and was enthusiastically accepted. However, although the accompanying instructional material assured user enjoyment equal to “Everything but the roar of the crowd”, this proved to be a gross exaggeration. Despite such shortcoming, the dual concept of results measurement by card values and theoretical player prowess created a favorable and lasting impression on this fellow’s mind.
Several December 25ths later, Santa dropped off a book published by the Esquire magazine folk, devoted to social hosting and hostessing excellence from about every angle, covering cocktail mixing, vintage wine selection, exotic recipes, and even parlor games of all sorts. That last mentioned category included a chapter entitled Football for Feeble Fullbacks, describing how a gridiron match effect could be achieved with no more than a single deck of conventional bridge cards.
Obviously, this rather juvenile attempt at stirring up football thrills also fell way short of the mark. Nevertheless, the garden variety playing card utilization feature did register deeply.
Putting one, two, and three together, so to speak, the idea of developing a truly realistic living room football game by moulding the Hamilton and Esquire concepts into a composite
product sounded terrific – and that’s exactly what we set out to do.
The culminative result, after roughly fifty years of constant revision and update, is what we now humbly deem the most masterful game of its kind ever developed. The evolution from a pair of regular decks and a few manual pages into the present three hundred card/vast computer file concoction, supplemented by two ordinary dice, has proven to be tedious and often frustrating, yet most enjoyable throughout the ages. We honestly feel that everything except the collective spectator shouting has indeed been accomplished. To the best of our knowledge, not a single on-the-playing-field element has been overlooked in our comprehensive parlor table venture.
From the exuberant verbiage we’ve been displaying, the reader might deduce that we claim to have reached perfection, nirvana, the zenith, utopia, or whatever. Unfortunately, this isn’t quite the case. Our brainchild has a few drawbacks, to be cited in a moment. Nevertheless, we can say with complete confidence that the most exotic software in our modern universe couldn’t possibly bring about its equal.
Admittedly, today’s amusement market does offer a wide array of computerized footballia, with enough vicarious thrills to satisfy almost any couch-bound spectator, even those whose gridiron play knowledge is quite limited. Still, in the face of such so-called competition, we’re fully able to scoff at the entire pack.
On the other hand, our boisterous clamor needs toning down somewhat, in view of the fact that our product isn’t the least bit salable. Its heavy reliance on dice rolls and card turning, along with the patience-straining tedium of having to call up several sequential excel worksheets on play after play, is more than the average living room quarterback will tolerate. Furthermore, our game demands an intimate understanding of gridiron rules and strategy. Altogether too many parties would readily lose interest.
Having run out of negative aspects, we can now go on to say with certainty that the world’s most sophisticated software would never be able to generate the features we proudly present below.
1. This is essentially a game of solitaire, with a spectator atmosphere prevailing throughout, as opposed to one related to a skilled coach or an ace quarterback. The user isn’t playing against the house or an imaginary opponent, but merely following the written progressive stage instructions as each new play develops, then letting the dice and cards create the strategy and resultant action, favorable or otherwise.
2. The massive 300-card deck has been assembled in a semi-scientific manner, with its varying values taking into consideration all estimable odds in accordance with actual field occurrences.
3. We’ve carried out countless exercises, while watching televised NFL matches from a clock standpoint, to ensure that the turning over of all 300 cards is truly equivalent to a real life 15-minute quarter.
4. There is provision for varying the offensive attack formations, i.e. the T, the shotgun, or even the latest “wildcat” craze.
5. Eight different built-in club rosters are available, from which two opposing units may be chosen, showing mythical player names, their positions filled on offensive, defensive, or the manifold special teams, and complete with jersey numbers and relative athletic prowess values. Instead, however, the user may take the trouble of assembling his or her own combative units.
6. We’ve provided the means for carrying out every conceivable play situation from opening kickoff to final whistle.
7. Special situation modes can be established in line with strategic effort, “time” management, and other elements, including goal line, clock killing, hurry up, and desperation.
8. The offensive deployment may be changed prior to each new play, in respect to number of downfield receiver, blocking linemen, and running back complements.
9. Comparable defensive deployment adjustment is available, taking either a three-man or four-man front line into consideration, along with linebacker and deep secondary assignments, including the possibility of a safety or cornerback blitz.
10. Specific player identification is made from the results of 8 and 9, so that individual assignments and overall team values can be determined.
11. Based on 8 through 10 above, offensive and defensive value advantages are established for running plays, pass protection, and downfield receiving vs. deep secondary effort.
12. An offensive play selection is then made with numerous options available, including run play direction or passing distance, augmented by draws, bootlegs, handoff fakes, single and double reverses, audible calls, and even the explosive flea flicker.
13. A no-huddle decision may be exercised in order to conserve precious clock time.
14. The offense may further choose to try a quarterback sneak, a goal line dive, a closing seconds kneeldown, spiking the ball to stop the clock, a fake kick and run or pass, even an intentional safety for strategic purposes.
15. Any number of situations may arise on a pass play, such as a quarterback scramble, an option to alter the selected receiver or zone, election to run instead, throwing the ball away, or the ignominious sack.
16. We haven’t overlooked the desperation-inspired Hail Mary pass, with allowance for the slim odds it might be successful.
17. Regular, squib, or even onside kickoffs may be executed.
18. Punts can be made on a regular basis, or else directed out of bounds.
19. A punt might be either run back, fair caught, or downed by the kicking team.
20. Field goal opportunities exist from suitable distances.
21. An option is included for either a one- or two-point after touchdown attempt.
22. There are provisions for downfield lateral passing and stepping out of bounds to stop the clock.
23. Long running or passing gains are possible, based on the odds involved, and so are heroic goal line stands.
24. Upset factors can occur, such as blocked kicks, scrimmage or downfield fumbles, and broken plays.
25. Penalties may be assessed, if the cards so dictate, for offside, illegal procedure, offensive or defensive holding, pass interference, an array of unnecessary roughness calls, and even unsportsmanlike conduct.
26. Players can be ejected from the game for fighting.
27. Injuries might occur on any given play, with varying lengths of time for related absence from the field, according to dice-determined severity.
28. A coach can throw the red challenge flag under certain play result conditions, with either reversal or rejection possible.
29. Time elapsed between plays is determinable on a varied basis, in line with clock rule applications.
30. A log is maintainable, recording the set-up, execution, and detailed results of each play, along with penalties, upset factors, time elapsed, and other key elements. Complete post-game statistics may be accurately compiled from this document, if desired.
Thanks to the log cited in 30 above, should any given game become too tedious to continue, the user can cease play and return hours or even days later, able to resume exactly where he or she had left off.
So there we have it – a living room version of gridiron conduct, replete with all the trimmings. We’ve often noted a certain degree of anticipatory excitement arising at suspenseful times during the play, which helps overcome the tedium brought on by continued dice rolling, card turning, and computer file call-up.
We’d be more than pleased to furnish added specifics based on reader requests, even to the extent of submitting demonstrative material by email.
Finally, speaking once again of challenges, that is precisely what we’re proposing to anybody who claims to have found or devised a more thorough game of this nature.
Commander Hamilton’s creation appeared under the tree one long bygone Christmas morning, and was enthusiastically accepted. However, although the accompanying instructional material assured user enjoyment equal to “Everything but the roar of the crowd”, this proved to be a gross exaggeration. Despite such shortcoming, the dual concept of results measurement by card values and theoretical player prowess created a favorable and lasting impression on this fellow’s mind.
Several December 25ths later, Santa dropped off a book published by the Esquire magazine folk, devoted to social hosting and hostessing excellence from about every angle, covering cocktail mixing, vintage wine selection, exotic recipes, and even parlor games of all sorts. That last mentioned category included a chapter entitled Football for Feeble Fullbacks, describing how a gridiron match effect could be achieved with no more than a single deck of conventional bridge cards.
Obviously, this rather juvenile attempt at stirring up football thrills also fell way short of the mark. Nevertheless, the garden variety playing card utilization feature did register deeply.
Putting one, two, and three together, so to speak, the idea of developing a truly realistic living room football game by moulding the Hamilton and Esquire concepts into a composite
product sounded terrific – and that’s exactly what we set out to do.
The culminative result, after roughly fifty years of constant revision and update, is what we now humbly deem the most masterful game of its kind ever developed. The evolution from a pair of regular decks and a few manual pages into the present three hundred card/vast computer file concoction, supplemented by two ordinary dice, has proven to be tedious and often frustrating, yet most enjoyable throughout the ages. We honestly feel that everything except the collective spectator shouting has indeed been accomplished. To the best of our knowledge, not a single on-the-playing-field element has been overlooked in our comprehensive parlor table venture.
From the exuberant verbiage we’ve been displaying, the reader might deduce that we claim to have reached perfection, nirvana, the zenith, utopia, or whatever. Unfortunately, this isn’t quite the case. Our brainchild has a few drawbacks, to be cited in a moment. Nevertheless, we can say with complete confidence that the most exotic software in our modern universe couldn’t possibly bring about its equal.
Admittedly, today’s amusement market does offer a wide array of computerized footballia, with enough vicarious thrills to satisfy almost any couch-bound spectator, even those whose gridiron play knowledge is quite limited. Still, in the face of such so-called competition, we’re fully able to scoff at the entire pack.
On the other hand, our boisterous clamor needs toning down somewhat, in view of the fact that our product isn’t the least bit salable. Its heavy reliance on dice rolls and card turning, along with the patience-straining tedium of having to call up several sequential excel worksheets on play after play, is more than the average living room quarterback will tolerate. Furthermore, our game demands an intimate understanding of gridiron rules and strategy. Altogether too many parties would readily lose interest.
Having run out of negative aspects, we can now go on to say with certainty that the world’s most sophisticated software would never be able to generate the features we proudly present below.
1. This is essentially a game of solitaire, with a spectator atmosphere prevailing throughout, as opposed to one related to a skilled coach or an ace quarterback. The user isn’t playing against the house or an imaginary opponent, but merely following the written progressive stage instructions as each new play develops, then letting the dice and cards create the strategy and resultant action, favorable or otherwise.
2. The massive 300-card deck has been assembled in a semi-scientific manner, with its varying values taking into consideration all estimable odds in accordance with actual field occurrences.
3. We’ve carried out countless exercises, while watching televised NFL matches from a clock standpoint, to ensure that the turning over of all 300 cards is truly equivalent to a real life 15-minute quarter.
4. There is provision for varying the offensive attack formations, i.e. the T, the shotgun, or even the latest “wildcat” craze.
5. Eight different built-in club rosters are available, from which two opposing units may be chosen, showing mythical player names, their positions filled on offensive, defensive, or the manifold special teams, and complete with jersey numbers and relative athletic prowess values. Instead, however, the user may take the trouble of assembling his or her own combative units.
6. We’ve provided the means for carrying out every conceivable play situation from opening kickoff to final whistle.
7. Special situation modes can be established in line with strategic effort, “time” management, and other elements, including goal line, clock killing, hurry up, and desperation.
8. The offensive deployment may be changed prior to each new play, in respect to number of downfield receiver, blocking linemen, and running back complements.
9. Comparable defensive deployment adjustment is available, taking either a three-man or four-man front line into consideration, along with linebacker and deep secondary assignments, including the possibility of a safety or cornerback blitz.
10. Specific player identification is made from the results of 8 and 9, so that individual assignments and overall team values can be determined.
11. Based on 8 through 10 above, offensive and defensive value advantages are established for running plays, pass protection, and downfield receiving vs. deep secondary effort.
12. An offensive play selection is then made with numerous options available, including run play direction or passing distance, augmented by draws, bootlegs, handoff fakes, single and double reverses, audible calls, and even the explosive flea flicker.
13. A no-huddle decision may be exercised in order to conserve precious clock time.
14. The offense may further choose to try a quarterback sneak, a goal line dive, a closing seconds kneeldown, spiking the ball to stop the clock, a fake kick and run or pass, even an intentional safety for strategic purposes.
15. Any number of situations may arise on a pass play, such as a quarterback scramble, an option to alter the selected receiver or zone, election to run instead, throwing the ball away, or the ignominious sack.
16. We haven’t overlooked the desperation-inspired Hail Mary pass, with allowance for the slim odds it might be successful.
17. Regular, squib, or even onside kickoffs may be executed.
18. Punts can be made on a regular basis, or else directed out of bounds.
19. A punt might be either run back, fair caught, or downed by the kicking team.
20. Field goal opportunities exist from suitable distances.
21. An option is included for either a one- or two-point after touchdown attempt.
22. There are provisions for downfield lateral passing and stepping out of bounds to stop the clock.
23. Long running or passing gains are possible, based on the odds involved, and so are heroic goal line stands.
24. Upset factors can occur, such as blocked kicks, scrimmage or downfield fumbles, and broken plays.
25. Penalties may be assessed, if the cards so dictate, for offside, illegal procedure, offensive or defensive holding, pass interference, an array of unnecessary roughness calls, and even unsportsmanlike conduct.
26. Players can be ejected from the game for fighting.
27. Injuries might occur on any given play, with varying lengths of time for related absence from the field, according to dice-determined severity.
28. A coach can throw the red challenge flag under certain play result conditions, with either reversal or rejection possible.
29. Time elapsed between plays is determinable on a varied basis, in line with clock rule applications.
30. A log is maintainable, recording the set-up, execution, and detailed results of each play, along with penalties, upset factors, time elapsed, and other key elements. Complete post-game statistics may be accurately compiled from this document, if desired.
Thanks to the log cited in 30 above, should any given game become too tedious to continue, the user can cease play and return hours or even days later, able to resume exactly where he or she had left off.
So there we have it – a living room version of gridiron conduct, replete with all the trimmings. We’ve often noted a certain degree of anticipatory excitement arising at suspenseful times during the play, which helps overcome the tedium brought on by continued dice rolling, card turning, and computer file call-up.
We’d be more than pleased to furnish added specifics based on reader requests, even to the extent of submitting demonstrative material by email.
Finally, speaking once again of challenges, that is precisely what we’re proposing to anybody who claims to have found or devised a more thorough game of this nature.
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