WHO CARES IF THE CROWD DOESN'T ROAR?

Back during the mid-1930s, a former U.S. Naval Academy super halfback named Tom Hamilton devised a parlor football game, using a special deck of gain and loss value cards, along with means for taking relative imaginary player skills into consideration. According to the writer’s recollection, no other such product of that era could match it.

Commander Hamilton’s creation appeared under the tree one long bygone Christmas morning, and was enthusiastically accepted. However, although the accompanying instructional material assured user enjoyment equal to “Everything but the roar of the crowd”, this proved to be a gross exaggeration. Despite such shortcoming, the dual concept of results measurement by card values and theoretical player prowess created a favorable and lasting impression on this fellow’s mind.

Several December 25ths later, Santa dropped off a book published by the Esquire magazine folk, devoted to social hosting and hostessing excellence from about every angle, covering cocktail mixing, vintage wine selection, exotic recipes, and even parlor games of all sorts. That last mentioned category included a chapter entitled Football for Feeble Fullbacks, describing how a gridiron match effect could be achieved with no more than a single deck of conventional bridge cards.

Obviously, this rather juvenile attempt at stirring up football thrills also fell way short of the mark. Nevertheless, the garden variety playing card utilization feature did register deeply.

Putting one, two, and three together, so to speak, the idea of developing a truly realistic living room football game by moulding the Hamilton and Esquire concepts into a composite
product sounded terrific – and that’s exactly what we set out to do.

The culminative result, after roughly fifty years of constant revision and update, is what we now humbly deem the most masterful game of its kind ever developed. The evolution from a pair of regular decks and a few manual pages into the present three hundred card/vast computer file concoction, supplemented by two ordinary dice, has proven to be tedious and often frustrating, yet most enjoyable throughout the ages. We honestly feel that everything except the collective spectator shouting has indeed been accomplished. To the best of our knowledge, not a single on-the-playing-field element has been overlooked in our comprehensive parlor table venture.

From the exuberant verbiage we’ve been displaying, the reader might deduce that we claim to have reached perfection, nirvana, the zenith, utopia, or whatever. Unfortunately, this isn’t quite the case. Our brainchild has a few drawbacks, to be cited in a moment. Nevertheless, we can say with complete confidence that the most exotic software in our modern universe couldn’t possibly bring about its equal.

Admittedly, today’s amusement market does offer a wide array of computerized footballia, with enough vicarious thrills to satisfy almost any couch-bound spectator, even those whose gridiron play knowledge is quite limited. Still, in the face of such so-called competition, we’re fully able to scoff at the entire pack.

On the other hand, our boisterous clamor needs toning down somewhat, in view of the fact that our product isn’t the least bit salable. Its heavy reliance on dice rolls and card turning, along with the patience-straining tedium of having to call up several sequential excel worksheets on play after play, is more than the average living room quarterback will tolerate. Furthermore, our game demands an intimate understanding of gridiron rules and strategy. Altogether too many parties would readily lose interest.

Having run out of negative aspects, we can now go on to say with certainty that the world’s most sophisticated software would never be able to generate the features we proudly present below.

1. This is essentially a game of solitaire, with a spectator atmosphere prevailing throughout, as opposed to one related to a skilled coach or an ace quarterback. The user isn’t playing against the house or an imaginary opponent, but merely following the written progressive stage instructions as each new play develops, then letting the dice and cards create the strategy and resultant action, favorable or otherwise.
2. The massive 300-card deck has been assembled in a semi-scientific manner, with its varying values taking into consideration all estimable odds in accordance with actual field occurrences.
3. We’ve carried out countless exercises, while watching televised NFL matches from a clock standpoint, to ensure that the turning over of all 300 cards is truly equivalent to a real life 15-minute quarter.
4. There is provision for varying the offensive attack formations, i.e. the T, the shotgun, or even the latest “wildcat” craze.
5. Eight different built-in club rosters are available, from which two opposing units may be chosen, showing mythical player names, their positions filled on offensive, defensive, or the manifold special teams, and complete with jersey numbers and relative athletic prowess values. Instead, however, the user may take the trouble of assembling his or her own combative units.
6. We’ve provided the means for carrying out every conceivable play situation from opening kickoff to final whistle.
7. Special situation modes can be established in line with strategic effort, “time” management, and other elements, including goal line, clock killing, hurry up, and desperation.
8. The offensive deployment may be changed prior to each new play, in respect to number of downfield receiver, blocking linemen, and running back complements.
9. Comparable defensive deployment adjustment is available, taking either a three-man or four-man front line into consideration, along with linebacker and deep secondary assignments, including the possibility of a safety or cornerback blitz.
10. Specific player identification is made from the results of 8 and 9, so that individual assignments and overall team values can be determined.
11. Based on 8 through 10 above, offensive and defensive value advantages are established for running plays, pass protection, and downfield receiving vs. deep secondary effort.
12. An offensive play selection is then made with numerous options available, including run play direction or passing distance, augmented by draws, bootlegs, handoff fakes, single and double reverses, audible calls, and even the explosive flea flicker.
13. A no-huddle decision may be exercised in order to conserve precious clock time.
14. The offense may further choose to try a quarterback sneak, a goal line dive, a closing seconds kneeldown, spiking the ball to stop the clock, a fake kick and run or pass, even an intentional safety for strategic purposes.
15. Any number of situations may arise on a pass play, such as a quarterback scramble, an option to alter the selected receiver or zone, election to run instead, throwing the ball away, or the ignominious sack.
16. We haven’t overlooked the desperation-inspired Hail Mary pass, with allowance for the slim odds it might be successful.
17. Regular, squib, or even onside kickoffs may be executed.
18. Punts can be made on a regular basis, or else directed out of bounds.
19. A punt might be either run back, fair caught, or downed by the kicking team.
20. Field goal opportunities exist from suitable distances.
21. An option is included for either a one- or two-point after touchdown attempt.
22. There are provisions for downfield lateral passing and stepping out of bounds to stop the clock.
23. Long running or passing gains are possible, based on the odds involved, and so are heroic goal line stands.
24. Upset factors can occur, such as blocked kicks, scrimmage or downfield fumbles, and broken plays.
25. Penalties may be assessed, if the cards so dictate, for offside, illegal procedure, offensive or defensive holding, pass interference, an array of unnecessary roughness calls, and even unsportsmanlike conduct.
26. Players can be ejected from the game for fighting.
27. Injuries might occur on any given play, with varying lengths of time for related absence from the field, according to dice-determined severity.
28. A coach can throw the red challenge flag under certain play result conditions, with either reversal or rejection possible.
29. Time elapsed between plays is determinable on a varied basis, in line with clock rule applications.
30. A log is maintainable, recording the set-up, execution, and detailed results of each play, along with penalties, upset factors, time elapsed, and other key elements. Complete post-game statistics may be accurately compiled from this document, if desired.

Thanks to the log cited in 30 above, should any given game become too tedious to continue, the user can cease play and return hours or even days later, able to resume exactly where he or she had left off.

So there we have it – a living room version of gridiron conduct, replete with all the trimmings. We’ve often noted a certain degree of anticipatory excitement arising at suspenseful times during the play, which helps overcome the tedium brought on by continued dice rolling, card turning, and computer file call-up.

We’d be more than pleased to furnish added specifics based on reader requests, even to the extent of submitting demonstrative material by email.

Finally, speaking once again of challenges, that is precisely what we’re proposing to anybody who claims to have found or devised a more thorough game of this nature.