We’ve always abhorred being in a football grandstand overburdened with drunks, purportedly as a result of their bringing bottles along for self-protection against inclement weather. Our student days at Ohio State provided the basis for such feeling, since no autumn Saturday afternoon could ever be judged complete without being surrounded by dozens of obnoxious inebriates.
Several years following graduation, the opportunity arose to travel to South Bend, Indiana for a Notre Dame gridiron game. All the while seated in a completely packed stadium, and later moving out with the crowd after the final whistle, we encountered exactly one, repeat one, disgusting chap who’d had a few too many. We couldn’t help but note the contrast with our earlier Columbus, Ohio experience, where the upper deck air would become so alcohol-saturated that even lighting a match could be somewhat dangerous.
What we’ve introduced up to this point is an innate dislike for ungentlemanly spectator behavior. We see no need to add the expression unladylike as well, since the male of the species accounts for our entire displeasure.
With nearly all our present-day major sport-watching activities restricted to televised broadcasts, we’ll now focus on the numerous personal annoyances brought about as the cameramen continually seek new vistas, to avoid audience boredom between plays or foul balls. The more despicable aspects we’re forced to witness are itemized below.
Grandstand Tarzans
Regardless of how hot it gets on summer afternoons in the bleacher area, we deplore seeing men with their shirts removed. Since most such offenders aren’t exactly built like Apollo, this makes the view even worse.
Halloween Costuming
Maybe we’re a bit old-fashioned, but fully hate having the camera shift around to locate those nauseating exhibitionist types wearing outlandish costumes, often further aggravated by painting their faces to resemble creatures in horror films. We’d much prefer viewing the scantily-clad pom-pom girls down on the playing field, or else the more attractive fair sex spectators.
On the other hand, we have no objection to fans’ holding up catchy slogan signs or Green Bay rooters with their cheesehead bonnets. We’re not that prudish.
Lesser Offenses
We consider it utterly childish for grown men to come to the stadia clad in the uniforms of their local teams. On a similar premise, would the person don a toga when attending a stage performance of Julius Caesar, or go to see Carmen in a toreador outfit?
This sort of garb ought to be restricted to kids.
Furthermore, bringing a fielder’s glove to the game as a potential aid in catching foul or home run balls should be a prerogative reserved for the younger set only. An adult looks absolutely nonsensical doing this. This fellow wisely discontinued the practice at around age twelve, after many unsuccessful afternoons at Cleveland’s old Lakefront Stadium.
Salivary Gland Activity
Long ago, some baseball players would appear on the field with lumpily-distorted faces, due to a chaw of tobacco being stored in one cheek. The purpose was to reduce mouth dryness. Our modern lads have happily switched to bubble gum or Gatorade. Still, these relieving features never seem to prevent performers from frequent spitting. How the cameras always manage to turn on to a fellow only two seconds before he expectorates has become a mystery indeed. We realize, though, that this condition will have to be lived with. After all, these boys are the stars of the show.
At least, we can be happy it’s only saliva, and not yesteryear’s ugly brown tobacco juice.
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